I haven't seriously considered suicide for many years.

Until now.

I'm putting this here in the hopes that someone sees this, and manages to knock some sense back into me. Because right now, I don't know what to do anymore.

Please, someone, help me.


To elaborate, the pattern in my life is starting to emarge.

- Make friends
- Gradually push friends away by being a selfish prick
- Lose friends
- Mope

And somehow, I end up at the top again from the bottom, as I spiral through life, failing to achieve anything of worth. I want to change, but I don't think the majority of my current "friends" are going to give me much of a chance. Sure, there are a few who would, one of them might even see this page at one point. Hi Damos. But the people I'm currently living with are already on planning on kicking me out of the house, and should that come to pass, the point of no return has been exceeded.

Ultimately, as much as people believe I'm taking things for granted, and selfish and self centered, regardless of how much that mat or may not be true, I'm not happy with my life. I'm alone, I spend the majority of my time escape into the online world because I'm alone. There isn't a day I miss some of the friends I used to have. If you're somehow reading this; Hi Steph.

I could add a long list of friends I miss, in fact. But this is bad enough. I'm seeing a councillor tomorrow, hopefully that'll help put things into perspective. I might see about seeing the welfare/financial advice person as well, might help with some other problems.

I just don't know what to do anymore...

So, I scored in D&D tonight.

That is to say, my character got laid.

I rolled a natural 20 on the "perform" roll. This is a critical success.

So did she.

I has it.

It makes me think of Ethics, and werewolf.

That was a cool game.

Okay, so here's a rough timeline of the last week.

Wednesday - Find out from parents I've been financially cut off. No job and no money with rent due. (Would have been nice to be warned a little earlier ¬ ¬; )

Thursday - Fight with housemates resulting in me leaving. I take refuge at a friends place on their fold out couch.

Friday - Cold tension as I send friends to collect things I need for me due to not wanting to be around two of the three people living there. Parents send me "one last" bit of money so I'm not ocmpletly helpless.

Saturday - Joyriders gig. Earn $40.

Sunday - Apply for some jobs, applications limited due to lack of resume.

Monday - Spend most of the day doing nothing. Flashdrive and resumes arrive, spend a good amount of time applying for jobs.

Tuesday - Biggest job application haul yet as soon as I wake up. Get a response around 11.30am, interview tomorrow at 3pm.

Wednesday - Get up at 12, get a call at 12.20 offereing another interviwe with a different company, tomorrow at 1.15. Speak to another friend about boarding, may have found place to live after getting income. Go to interview at 3pm. Job get.

Thursday - Get up at 11, check emails, sit down and type this. Leaving for interview in about 45 mins, seeing "Robbie", who may or may not be the same Robby as the Managing Director listed on their website. Will probably take this job over the one yesturday as the one yesturday is paid solely on commisions (albeit is seems like a fun workplace).

----------------------

So, my life has completly fallen apart and been pulled mostly back together in the space of about a week (possibly with signifigant improvements).

Am I good, or am I good?

Can anyone here me...?

Or is it just me?

I think I need to find myself an online community, the internet is kinda boring without people to talk to.

And 4chan doesn't count as people.

I'm sitting in the lounge room, happily amusing myself by playing my keyboard.

Before long, my beloved housemate came into the room and sat in a chair.

After a while, I get asked 'If I mind, because her headache', so with an annoyed sigh, I turn down my volume considerably. Perhaps a minute later, I get some muttered curse words and someone storming out of the room.

Is it just me that seems to think that other people coming into where I was and insisting I stop doing what I was already doing so they can sit quietly like they could in any other room more than a little selfish?

Naturally, ten minutes later her head seems to have made a full recovery as she's making more noise than I was with her mouth.

Must be those fluke mid-spring migraines that occur when there's a sufficient level of bullcrap in a person.

All is at peace, and all is well.

Sorta.

I'm still lonely, but I don't want to risk the status quo with Laura so nothing should change there.

I think one of the singers in my band likes me, but I just don't know anyhting aobut her and more importantly vice versa. Sure, she likes me now, but what happens when she finds out I'm a perverted roleplaying nerd? Maybe nothing, but you know, whatever.

Amanda was talking about study aboard down here or something. I dunno what to think about that really. I mean, she's great and all, but I don't know if I can handle her being around for however long and then dissapearing again. I don't see enough of Amanda anymore anyways.

This crap aside, I've got no complaints.

I'm not on MSN as much as I'd like to be, in thoery, but as I've very rarely got anyone to talk to, I just don't bother very often. Afterall, why sit on the internet bored when I could be playing a game?

I need more friends.

Yup.

Also I'm currently living with a crazy selfish single mother who expects everyone o do everything for her simply because she has a kid, despite the fact that we all pay the same rent etc. and we're doing her an enourmous favour by allowing her into the house. She's also obnoxious, thinks she's so smart and artistic when she lacks both, and oh yeah, is extreamly sexist. She's constantly claiming that any and all negative traits any male person/character are "because they're male" whilst she seems to think she's allowed to be bitchy/obnoxious because she's female.

But that's just me ranting, as I'm at the end of my tether. And I'm not exagerating about her. :( If anything, I'm understating it. I WISH I were exagerating >.o

I thought, for something different, I'd post an entry when I'm not sad, or annoyed, or ranty (well, okay, I'm still ranty, but ranty in good way.)

Bottom line, I figured I'd post when I'm in a good mood.

So, Jenny and the Joyriders is through to the Grand Final of the Unsigned Band Competition. And, if it wasn't immediately obvious, I'm in said band.

Ultimately, I don't think we deserve it, there was a band after us last night (http://myspace.com/patandbrendan) who I really enjoyed(enough to get their myspace, and as some know I HATE myspace :P) especially as they do original songs, but unfortunately the competition is based on audience vote.

And one of our singers is Lebanese. This is not a racial slur in the least, it just means he can provide a lot of audience. And he does. We also have the advantage of being an eight member band, so we can potentially pull a good crowd from each of our friends and families.

And we did sound awesome. We really did. Compared to how crap we sounded Sunday at another gig, it was full of the fw04hziggl3BBQ. and stuff. But yeah. We play covers. They play originals. I think that alone makes them deserve it more.

They really engaged the audience, bantered between songs and did all of the things I frequently criticise bands for not doing. And after their first song:

"The band has just come to a decision before we got on, about 10 minutes ago. We think we're going to become a Jenny and the Joyriders tribute band. We think it'll work out for us better financially."

Other highlights include:

"You can tell when we're playing, we really mean what we sing... because we move our hands a lot"
"What? I move my hands a lot when I'm lying"
"You... you're only telling me this now... You've been... all this time..."

"This next one is called the song we usually play first. It's always been called that, and oddly enough, we've never played it first."

GIANT SPACE ROBOTS THAT WILL NEVER DIE!!!

Wheee.

Piro is going to go now.

"Crane": Parley.
Maiko: Drop your weapon
"Crane": This sword is the only thing between me and death-
Maiko: Yes, if you drop it you'll live.

"Crane" steps back defiantly, assuming a defensive stance.

Maiko: You lost your right to that(parley) when you sided with these things.
"Crane": I had no choice.
Maiko: There's always a choice.

Maiko then moves in to attempt to disarm the "Crane" whilst Kukulkan keeps him immobilised in order to prevent his escape. He strikes at her repetitively. Eventually, Yu soldirs arrive, and seeing him attacking Maiko immediately move in and cut him down.

-----------------------------------

Apparently, this exchange and the conclusion calls into question Maiko's alignment. Frankly, not only do I fail to see it, but I believe the GM is being a dick because he didn't get to show off his villain.

I see no evil act. Can anyone else see one?